One year has elapsed since an important event in my life. A year ago I suffered a major loss. My house and possessions were detroyed in a fire.

It’s hard for me to describe the day as an anniversary. When I think of anniversaries, images of cakes and presents and flowers come to mind. I think of the celebration of a joyous event.

Some communities have a ritual for honoring the anniversary of a death. Thank goodness no person died in the fire.

Still, we lost pets. We lost family heirlooms. We lost an innocence that we will never recover.

How do you recognize losses that fall short of death?

We have a human need to mark time. Everyone knows how many years they have been on this planet or time that has elapsed since they said, “I do.”

So, I decided to officially honor the one year anniversary of my house fire. Here are some things my son and I are doing.

Recognize the importance of the day. I thought about letting the day slip past unnoticed. I considered recognizing it for myself and not mentioning it to my son. It would have been much easier and less messy. I decided that this would not be fair to him or to me. It’s an important day that changed our lives and it deserves to be honored. I cleared my calendar so I would be able to spend some quiet moments reflecting on the meaning my house fire has brought to my life.

Express gratitude. We’re going to bring some cookies to the fire department. We’re taking time to recognize the contributions of friends and neighbors and the many people who have helped us rebuild our lives. Times of struggle serve as a reminder that we get by with a little help from our friends.

Create a ritual When I transform an idea like loss into something that I can do and see and touch, it becomes more real. The more senses that are engaged, the more real it idea becomes.

I have been inspired by original ritual ideas from others. Flora wrote down all the hurtful things well-intentioned people said to her after the miscarriage, then burned the papers as a way of releasing these painful words. Nancy threw a “divorce party” and gave each friend a toaster which was used in the toaster dump ritual. (of course, she collected the toasters and disposed of them in a responsible way.)

Great ideas will come from unlikely sources. Ask others who shared your loss for ritual ideas.

I saved a piece of the burned wood roof frame. I plan to bury it in a hole over which we’ll plant a tree. It will be a physical reminder of our efforts to grow from this loss.

Tell the story. Each time I tell my story I experience a new layer of healing. If you have a friend who is honoring the anniversary of a loss, a treasured gift is an invitation to coffee or lunch with the question, “What has it been like for you?”

My son and I plan to write letters to be opened by the person each of us will be 20 years from now.

You might be thinking, “Tell the story. I live it every day!” Telling the whole story is different than living it. I find that my story changes even thought the events have not changed. The story of my mother’s parenting skills, for example, became much different once I became a parent myself.

Take time for tears. In the busyness of rebuilding my life, mourning seemed like a luxury I could not afford. I need to mourn. The tears need to come out. If you try to avoid the sadness of mourning, it just pops up in a different form, like depression or ulcers or back pain.

Recognize the impact of your loss on those around you. My friend Jan was not able to visit me for the past year. It was just too painful for her. Now that the house is rebuilt, I brought her over so she could see for herself that it’s okay. I explained my circumstances to the people who helped me set up phone and electricity and water service at my temporary housing. I was surprised at the numbers of strangers who offered their own stories of loss. Many told the stories of house fires as if the fire happened last month or last year instead of 20 years earlier .

Be attentive to the needs of children who have experienced loss. Children do not have fully developed brains. It’s hard to imagine how an immature brain makes sense of an event that challenges the cognitive skills of adults. My parenting coach told me that when a child experiences profound loss, it’s like “putting the child’s brain in a blender.” She also alerts me that my son will have reactions to the fire for many years to come.

As I reflect on this past year, I feel that I have gained more than I have lost. Yes, I lost my house and possessions. And now I am living in a brand new house...without the clutter! I lost the illusion that my life will unfold according to my plans. And I gained deeper appreciation for the importance of living as fully as possible in each moment. I lost the illusion that I could or should protect my son from pain and suffering. And I learned that helping my son nurture resiliency will serve him better than protecting him from pain.

Most importantly , I learned that my ability to embrace joy is magnified by my ability to honor loss. It’s all part of the circle of life.

Vicki Rackner M.D. president of Medical Bridges, is a surgeon who left the operating room to help patients partner more effectively with their doctors. She's a speaker, author and consultant.

<< Back to Press Release Index